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Attainable New Year's Resolutions ...
This year, I resolve to...

Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
Get in a whole NEW rut!
Start being superstitious.
Personal goal: Bring back disco.
Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
Create loose ends.
Get further in debt.
Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
Stay off the International Space Station.
Wait around for opportunity.
Focus on the faults of others.
Vote Republican
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