The Mind of Steven Wright...
"If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts."
"I went into a restaurant. The menu said "breakfast anytime."
So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."
"I've been getting into astronomy, so I installed a skylight. The
people who live above me are furious."
"I went to a store and the sign said, OPEN TWENTY-FOUR HOURS. When
I got there, there was a guy outside locking it up. I said, "What are
you doing, the sign says, OPEN TWENTY-FOUR HOURS?" And he said, 'Not in
When I was a little kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only